Do you have a birth mother/ adoption story? If so, please post a comment here and share it with us. Thanks for visiting my birthmother’s blog.
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I just finished your book. As you spoke about, there may be a certain “spirit” that is speaking to us at certain times. I’m wondering if this might be true for me. I have been searching on and off for my birth parents for more than 25 years. Not sure if they’re even alive. I’m in a couple of databases like ALMA and SOUNDEX with no results. Hopefully the one you recommend will be the one. My DOB was July 6, 1951. And I read this book during July. According to the info that I have, my birth parents were supposedly MARRIED and gave me up because my father wanted to go back to school on GI bill so my mom would have to go back to work! I can’t imagine giving up a baby under such circumstances! Times were certainly different back in the 50’s. My imagination takes over and thinks there’s no way in hell that she stayed married to such a man…who forced her to give up her child. My father had another child from a previous marriage a few years older than me, that already lived with them. Thanks for allowing me to share.
Thank you, Judy! I look forward to reading your book. I hope that some day, I might be as fortunate as you and Karen, to meet and find joy in so doing.
Hi! I believe I have a few things in common with you, but from the daughter’s point of view. I was adopted in 1967. I was born at a Salvation Army home for unwed mother’s. I am told that my birth mother was about 16 when she had me, and that she gave me up because she was too young.
The story also goes that she was a foster child herself who was about to be adopted.
My parents were told to let me know at a young age that I had been adopted. They told a little story about picking me out at the hospital, (and I was the prettiest baby), and then hopping over the fence with me, as they lived a couple of blocks from the hospital. I never doubted that my adoptive parents loved me dearly, as I did them.
I never blamed my birth mother for giving me up. I was always curious about her. My parents eventually gave me a few details: She had hazel eyes, and was French/Irish/Spanish. My father, a fellow high school student, had gray eyes, and was Swedish/Irish. In Illinois, adoptions were closed, and there was no easy way to track her down. I wondered, though, if she was curious about me, whethor she would want to meet me, or if she would have hidden the fact of my birth from everyone and be dismayed by my appearance had I located her somehow. Whenever someone asks, “Do you have a sister/brother? I know someone who looks just like you?” I always think, maybe! And that is another point of curiousity, could I have half-siblings, does my daughter have undisclosed cousins somewhere?
When my parents were alive, I was loathe to reveal my curiousity, lest I hurt their feelings. My mother was a very sweet woman, but a touch insecure. After their passing, I felt a renewed impulse to seek out my birth mother, but did not go further than some internet searching. In my parents papers, I found her name, and place of birth, but since she was about to be adopted I felt her name had likely changed.
As an adopted child, I always wondered if my birth mother looked like me. Now that I have my own child, it fulfills a certain need to have someone connected to me by birth. In the back of my mind was always the feeling that my cousins, aunts and uncles were not my “real” relatives, however much I felt that my parents were my own, and that my brother, also adopted, was my own. My parents were from Sweden, so I was raised as a Swedish/American, and can speak that language. I always got the question, so if you are Swedish, why aren’t you blonde? The pat response was sometimes, “because my Dad has dark hair and eyes, not all Swedes are blonde”…or, if I was feeling humorous, “it’s all the raping and pillaging the Vikings did, why do you think there are blonde Italians”, or, if I was feeling honest, “I am actually adopted, but I am supposed to be part Swedish!”.
I would have liked to have been able to look up my ancestry, see who came from where. I wouldn’t care if there was a “colored” ancestor, as you discovered!
One advantage/disadvantage to not knowing anything, is, I don’t know if I have a history of family diseases, so I can choose to believe that I am not at risk for anything.
I also have my birth mother’s town of birth, and I saw on the internet that there are many with the last name she was listed as having. I have been tempted to go there, and just walk around, and maybe chat with a few folks. Something else I have wondered, is, did she flee a bad family situation when she came to Chicago? Why was she being adopted as a teenager?
I have always had questions….
Overall, though, I feel fortunate. My adoptive parents were truly wonderful people. I don’t see how I could have been more loved and cherished than I was by them. My friends all agree that they were “the salt of the earth”, very kind and honest people.
I hope that somewhere, my birth mother is leading a happy life, and I would want her to know that I wish the best for her, and that I am sure that she wanted the best for me.
Sylvia I love your story. It is ironic that you were born the same year as my birth daughter. In the 50’s and 60’s a million and a half girls went away to have babies in secret and give them up for adoption. So it was an epidemic of sorts. I understand your curiosity and wish you could connect with your mom. I want to tell you that just because she has not found you does not mean that she wouldn’t love to meet you. I know there is a full spectrum of feelings about being a birth mom and some, and I can’t understand this, but some don’t want to meet their birth daughter. Shame is a big factor and the hiding. But I believe that in most cases a birth mother is ecstatic to meet and connect. There is so much that can be told. I know that you have questions. A big reason why contact is not initiated is fear of rejection. I was so scared to contact my birth daughter when I found her. I thought she might hate me for giving her away or not care to know me or think, why are you contacting me? But Karen was receptive and I am so thankful. Your birth mother might very much want to meet you but she is afraid or doesn’t know how to go about it. I would like to start a registry for birth daughters and birth moms like you that are curious but fear rejection. If both signed up then you would know your birth mother and the birth child wanted to meet. It has been amazingly healing for me to meet my birth daughter and Karen has said that meeting me filled a big hole. Thanks, Sylvia for your well thought out post. I am glad to hear you had good parents. That is funny about the pillaging of the Vikings!
I’m a friend of Kate’s. I had the issue of getting pregnant in college in 1979 and an incomplete abortion. Went home from Chicago, bleeding, hemorrhaging, and hospitalized. After a d and c, lied to my parents, then the bill from the hospital pregnancy test arrived at home and the truth came out. I was ‘sent away’ because my parents couldn’t deal with what had happened, and mainly because I didn’t tell the truth. I spent the summer with my aunt and uncle, 2000 miles away, who were very supportive and helped in my healing. My aunt told me that she had flown from New Orleans to NYC when she was 19, to have a legal abortion, and home the same day so she wouldn’t have to tell her parents. I’m sure there are a million stories of pain and shame out there and I enjoyed, if that can be the best term in this situation, reading your chapters. Very well written, riveting and emotional.
I am so sad to hear your story. I have often wondered if the pain of loss would have been less if I’d had an abortion. I could never know but like you say there are many stories of pain and shame. I can’t imagine the shock your parents had when the bill came in. How horrific. I am glad your aunt was supportive of you. Thanks for your kind words about my writing and thanks for sharing your story!
Judy,
First of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your writing skills. Your gift of expressing yourself gripped me to the depths of my soul. I look forward to seeing this in book form on the shelves of my library! Like Margie Hasse’s books of poetry(former tennis partner).
Perhaps the reason I was so touched was because as a Great Grandmother I’m dealing with a Great Grandson (the fourth of the six Filipinos our oldest son and his wife adopted back in 1997 – ages 2 through 15). Elmar has been irresponsible in so many ways, including being arrested for theft such as shop lifting. Now he’s due to be a father any day now. I’ve not had any contact with him for years but through his older sister and Facebook have learned that he’s been living with another Filipino gal (whom I’ve never met). I understand they’re only minimally employed and are living in a very unsanitary situation with no capacity to care for a child. My conviction has been that it would be best for the baby if he were given up for adoption. What’s your response?
Oh Ruby my heart goes out to your great grandson. They certainly are in a fix with the living conditions and their employment situation. And it’s so difficult to be a Great Grandma and looking on. I couldn’t possibly advise on this however because babies have been raised in worse conditions and there are so many personal factors involved. There is never an easy answer. If the mom is considering adoption, it would be good to support it but it is way too much of a personal decision. I know that nowadays open adoption is an option and this perhaps lessens the pain of losing a child, which really is what it is when you relinquish your baby. Thanks for the kind words about my writing. I really appreciate it.